Day 279

image-1-for-pictures-10-12-2010-gallery-176741012

Pushing my luck sex.  ~10:30am
6/10

I guess my problem is that I like to push the envelope too much.  After the intense pain last night, I was (foolishly) optimistic enough to think that if we just had sex often, it would get better.  Of course we did.  And of course it hurt.  It hurt so bad that I nearly told him to stop, but to be fair, it was still quite pleasurable.  Pain mixed with pleasure.  Sounds like some perverse version of Fifty Shades of Grey.  Then again, I probably should have stopped him from fucking into me as hard as he did.  Either way, the pain was excruciating afterwards.

Went to see a doctor about it.  Made him deeply uncomfortable.  Got told to do without sex for a week because apparently my vaginal wall is all swollen and red.

Great.

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Day 278

Break.

He really wanted it today.  Nothing was going to stop him, I knew.  Half of me really wanted to, but the other half was literally shutting its doors ’cause it was really scared of the pain.  In the end, he settled for a blow job.  This blog is starting to turn quite dry, maybe it should be renamed to “365 Days of Blow Jobs”.  At least I’m being honest?  <– trying to be positive!

He said “you’d rather give me a blow job than to have sex”.  I’m sure he felt rejected, and I felt like shit as well.

Decided to go visit a doctor on Monday to see if we can sort this out.  Not sure if I’ll be brave enough to give sex a try this weekend.

Sex-Can-Make-You-Smarter

Taking the risk sex.  ~11:30pm
8.5/10

The evening went by and I thought of the situation constantly.  I finally made the decision to just go for it ’cause I can’t hide from this for ever!  So I put his hand on my thigh and watched him react.  Of course I used extra, extra lubrication just in case.  My body had never been more tense!  I asked him to follow my lead and had him on top of me as low as possible, somehow I find this angle was the best to work with.  It felt so good to have his hands squeeze my ass and push my pelvis closer to his penis.  The sex was great, forgot how much I missed having sex.  There was pain afterwards, not excruciating as the last time, more manageable, but definitely nothing negligent.  

Day 277

Break.

Beach time!  Glorious sun, freezing water though!  Nothing happening in bed, because of me.  I know he wants to and I’ve never made so many excuses in our entire relationship.  Not even when I was on my period, sheesh!  And then I started getting absolutely paranoid and am now convinced that I have a yeast infection and that’s the root of all problems.  Just adds to my list of stress.

Day 276

Break.

Still jet lagged, still running around like crazy, still so tired so often.  And still scared of having sex ’cause it really hurt the last time.  It’s gotten so bad that I think the pain is even preventing me from wanting sex now.

Day 275

Break.

Lots to sort out, never knew going from one place to another could be this much hassle.  At the same time, I’m kind of afraid to have sex again ’cause of the pain.  And I think, mentally, it was made worse knowing that we had used lubrication and it still hurt like a motherfucker.

Day 273

???????

Here we go again sex.  ~11pm
5/10

I love it when he comes onto me, touching, caressing, fondling… I did have the sense to reach for the lubricant seeing it’s been a while since we last had sex.  The sex was good, but the pain came back afterwards with a vengeance.  Definitely hurt the worst since it’s started.  Ugh!  Just what is going on?!